Work Daze: Summer vacations or sucker vacations? You decide

Bob Goldman 

It’s been a tough year, and you’ve been working hard. But now it’s summer and you know what that means: Vacation, baby! Vacation!

Do you deserve a week or 10 of primo vacay? Most def. Should you take it? No way!

Whatever amount of vacation time is allotted to you, from the standard two weeks to the New-Age “take as much time as you need; we trust you to do your job and we’re not keeping track” — taking advantage of your right to take vacation may prove hazardous to{mprestriction ids="1,3"} the health of your career.

Or so I gleaned from “The Mystery of the Disappearing Vacation Day,” a recent Andrew Van Dam joint in The Washington Post.

The author is an analyst in the Post’s “Department of Data” and, as you might expect, he is all about the numbers — numbers that show that “Americans are about half as likely to be taking vacation in any given week as they were 40 years ago.”

Additional analysis “shows the drop-off has been driven by our failure to take full-week vacations,” with a “sharp drop in luxurious week-plus vacations.”

“Yikes!” is Van Dam’s considered opinion on the situation. I concur.

There are many reasons why so many of us are going to work instead of going on vacation. Vacations are expensive and traveling is a nightmare — two totally valid explanations why workers today are more likely to break their vacations into “smaller, more affordable trips, or take time off midweek to run errands or go to the dentist.”

Trust me, if going to the dentist is better than going on vacation, you need a vacation.

For those unenlightened individuals who are still considering a summer vacation, let me set you straight.

The best vacation spot this summer is at your desk, slaving away.

And since I’m at my desk, slaving away, let me tell you why:

No. 1: You’re expendable, but you don’t have to let your boss know it.

What’s the worst thing that could happen while you’re off on vacation? Absolutely nothing. While you’re away, stuffing yourself into your swimsuit while you stuff yourself with pu pu platters, the workflow could just, well, flow.

What a disaster that would be.

In the words of Amber Clayton of the Society of Human Resource Management, describing the fate of the vacationing suckers: “If they’re not there and somebody else is doing the work, they look like they’re expendable.”

Trust me, in this economic climate, with our managers merrily sharpening their little hatchets, the one fashion look you don’t want this summer is expendable.

Of course, if you do stay at work while your co-workers play, make sure your managers know it. Even a dim-witted AI system will be able to create deep-fake vacation photos of your colleagues frolicking in the surf and baking in the sun.

“Terry and Tom look like they’re having a terrific time on their vacations,” you could tell your manager. “I’m just glad I’m here and can handle their work, as I so often have to do.”

No. 2: There’s more to do, but you don’t have to do it.

No question, there could be extra work to do if you stay at your desk. On the positive side, there will be fewer people to see your blunders and more people to blame when you do screw up. In other words, if you’ve been looking for the right time to goof off, you’ve reached your vacation destination.

Best of all, a few simple adjustments can make your cubicle into a totally luxe vacation hotspot. Cover the floor under your desk with sand. Kick off your shoes and you’re at the beach, at least below the ankles. Replace your gloomy emo playlist with full-tilt Jimmy Buffett. Find a disreputable food truck and eat enough to require frequent dashes to the restroom.

If anything says vacation, it’s a big, pink bottle of Pepto Bismol.

No. 3: Vacations aren’t any fun, anyway.

Vacations used to be fun-fun-fun. No longer. Now that we pack our cellphones and laptops with our sunblock and beach balls, there’s no getting away from the fact that you really can’t get away. It’s an excellent argument for passing on the fun-fun-fun and using every vacation day to stay at your desk and work-work-work.

It won’t be pleasant, but it will prove your loyalty, attest to your superior work ethic and could leapfrog you into a high-paying job in management — after which you’ll never have to work at all.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.{/mprestriction}